3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
