Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
