Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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