do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
