We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
