Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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