oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
