Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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