and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
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The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
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My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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