i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
