god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
