Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
