I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Semen is not good for contacts.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
