Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
