If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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