does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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