The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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