Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
