Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
