I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
