My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
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