i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
