Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
