She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
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it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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