remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
