you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
