This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
