is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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