hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
