I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
