I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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