If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
