My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
