I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
