I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize