I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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