I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
