Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
