just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
