i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
