just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
