He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
