I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
