Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
