Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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