I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
