I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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