Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college