Just fell off a train. Bad.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
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i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
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i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.