Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
