I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
