My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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