Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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