I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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