You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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