she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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