broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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